I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
