Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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