just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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