On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
