Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
