There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
