Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
