Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
