Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I checked into jail on foursquare
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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