What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My ass is underappreciated
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
