Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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