hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
