you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
