Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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