now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
