I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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