whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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