apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
