if you like me you must not know who I am
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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