You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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