I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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