remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
