He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
