3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so explain again why im purple
no
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
