I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
