It's like God shit irony all over that family
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
