I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
