Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize