Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
