my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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