so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
