We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
