Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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