I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
