Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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