I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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