you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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