Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
