I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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