I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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