Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
