Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
love makes seman taste better
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
