He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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