we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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