Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
