between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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