Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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