Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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