I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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