in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
