The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
