Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
