at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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