just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
