I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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