I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
