I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
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