Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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