when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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