There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
