she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
